Who are you really?

Let me start this post off with a statement and a warning. I'm writing this blog for me and nobody but me. If you get some enjoyment or knowledge out of it then great keep reading but in reality I write it to put all these things rattling around in my head out in the open. this is going to be a long post. The warning is although I am one that reserves the colorful language for those rare moment when I just can't come up with anything else to say, there may be a word or two in this post you don't want to read if such language offends you. Basically, if that's the first thing that comes to my mind, that's what I'm going to type.

Call it a mid-life crisis, call it an awakening, call it a re-birth, but over the last couple of years I'm beginning to let who I really am out for a breath of fresh air. For the first eight years of my life I was developing into my own self and had no problems with who I was. I grew up a child of the US Army and as such traveled a lot. However, the moments that stand out in my memory the most are the times we spent visiting my Grandma Marie in Ohio. No need to go into details but suffice it to say, life on the farm was nice. Then in 1976 we moved to Kalifornia. From the first day of school I didn't fit in, I wasn't "cool" and tried my best to mold myself into what others wanted to see me as. I almost slipped when I got to high school and joined FFA and was going to raise a pig but that fell short when I got kicked out of high school (another story) and was sent to continuation high to be re-educated.

Now I can look back and see reality is I was always bored in school because it all seemed so simple and what I thought should all be common sense. Boredom in school leads to getting into trouble which leads to the wrong crowd, but they think it's cool so I fit in. At a young age I fell in love with music as well and was raised playing Southern Gospel music and loved every minute of it. the problem is a true musician finds the beauty in every kind of music and as my primary instrument was bass guitar I loved the driving bass of hard rock.

Along comes the opportunity to join a Christian Rock band (this was about 1985 and you can actually find a video of it here) so I was melding the two together. Now looking back if I could change any of that I wouldn't even think of it because that event is what led me to my wife of now 20+ years.

Now once you get married you find out that society has expectations of you. I needed to be able to take care of my wife, provide her with a home, 2.3 kids, a dog, a car, etc. I take a general warehousing job, but of course when the band hits it big, this will not be needed. Along comes an opportunity to work in the IT field (I was always into computers from my first Commodore 64 bought originally for music) from the lead singer in the band and his current place of employment. This means more money and less physical labor which is of course the ultimate goal right? Then of course along the way the rest of the guys get married, I have my daughter (another event I'd never change) and the band breaks up.

But all is not lost, I still have my job, we are only renting a house, but have a great deal that makes buying a house not needed. then of course come the opportunities for promotions and I was climbing the corporate ladder doing something I was good at, but wasn't really what I wanted to do. But that's okay, I'm living the American Dream© making pretty good money yet somehow I still never have any when I really want it. In 2005 I kind of had a wake-up call that I really didn't want to do this anymore, but it didn't click in my head that I wasn't just talking about my job until a year and a half ago.

I took who I grew up as and threw it out the window to be what I thought society expected me to be. You grow up, get a job, raise a family, pay your taxes, never question why, and be a productive part of society. I have a new response for that life. Fuck that... I'm tired of being someone else and not being me. the only people I've ever been true with is my wife and daughter. Notice I didn't even say myself. I've been as truthful with them as I have been with myself and the more I realize who I am, the more they get to see. Now though everyone will get to see.

Who am I?

• I'm a man that loves his wife and believes it's his role to support her by providing a roof over her head, feeding her, clothing her, and loving her 100%. Note that none of these require going into debt as the PTB would lead you to believe.
  
• I'm a man that loves country music and especially bluegrass. You don't like it, leave the room.
  
• I'm a man that hates mowing the fucking lawn but loves digging in the dirt and garden. What the hell is the point of having green grass in your front yard?
  
• I'm a man that loves shooting guns. You don't like guns then stop reading now and just go away.
  
• I'm a man that likes wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a nice shirt, the occasional vest, and the largest cowboy hat I can get through the door with. Go ahead and laugh at me, I don't care because your opinion of me matters to the sum of zero.
  
• I'm a man that wants to build his own house without the PTB jumping in and telling me I'm doing it wrong. If I do it wrong, it'll fall down, I'll learn from it and do it different the next time. But I can tell you that I am smart enough to read ahead of time to learn from those that have done it before.
  
• I'm a man that is a hillbilly at heart that wants to learn how to play the banjo, harmonica, mandolin, and slide steel guitar. You don't want to hear me practice? Close your doors.
  
• I'm a man that wants freedom in a country that was founded on freedom and if you want to take that away from me I'll show you why the 2nd amendment to the constitution was written.
  
• I'ma man that wan't to plant some crops and raise some animals without the PTB jumping in and telling me that I can't do that without them inspecting what when where why and how. You want to come on my land and stat telling me what to do, read the last point.
  
• I'm a man that loves the American Flag and will fly them wherever he wants to but also believes this country has been handed to a bunch of greedy bastards that will run it into the ground then escape to somewhere else on this planet leaving us all here to deal with the leftovers. My opinion is to let them do it, get the hell out and let us take it back to where it was meant to be by those that founded it.
  
• I'm a man that believes that the collapse is going to happen sooner than anyone thinks and is going to do everything he can to be prepared for it. If you think I'm nuts, I don't care. Just don't come to me when you're starving and the McDonalds and Ralphs are empty.  

Now, most people that have this kind of epiphany have to deal with the fact that it changes their life so much everyone around them thinks their crazy and they either agree and fall back in line, or they choose to leave them all behind and get on with their new life. In my case I have a daughter that although occasionally gets embarrassed will still just stand back and say oh well that's my dad.  My wife however has surprised me by not only adjusting to the real me, but has asked what took so long and is just as ready to escape from the clutches of society and go live our lives the way we want.

Now if you've actually read this far you've seen just the tip of who I am, but the more of me that I meet, the more I'm gonna post about it and we can all meet me together.